OOC
by SoGrey
Summary: A series of E/O oneshots. Summary inside. Rated M for future chapters.
1. When I Saw You

****

*Okay, here's what the deal is. I'm a HUGE Mariah Carey-Cannon fan (yes, I call her MCC, got a problem with that?!), so I thought I'd have some fun and write a series of one-shots based on her lyrics/song titles. The title of this story is based on the title of her song on the E=MC2 album, (OOC, Out Of Control) simply because these will probably go all over the place. Canon (Uh-huh-huh… I said Canon *said like Butthead*), AU, sad, funny, strange… just trust me and expect the unexpected. They're all E/O, or have undertones of E/O but may just deal with one or the other.

**Disclaimer - Dick Wolf, NBC, and whoever own SVU, Mrs. Cannon owns the lyrics. Bastards.

**A/N - When I Saw You from M's Album 'Daydream'

Elliot's inner musings. R&R pwease!

I rarely go home anymore at the end of the day and when I do, I'm constantly searching for an excuse to leave again. Usually I spend nights here in the cribs in the dark and I think. No technique I've tried will allow my brain to shut down and sleep peacefully. Nope, all that I can do is think. I think about the past, I think about the future. I think about cases, my family, my friends. I think about the fact that my marriage is falling apart, and my children hardly see their father and mother together unless they're involved in a shouting match about nothing and everything. I think about just saying fuck it all to hell and eating my gun. I think about the consequences of if I ever went through with it. I think about death, life, day, night, here, there. I think about every fucking thing that's eating away at my soul like acid, because none of it ever goes away and all of the burning is making me hollow. I can't not think about it, because there's no way to get it out of my head. There's no one to shoulder part of the pain, partially because I won't let anyone in. Partially because if know if I do, they'll take out running and never look back.

Kathy tried to understand. I say _tried_ and not _tries_ because she's given up on me. I'm a lost cause and she knows it, so she doesn't bother anymore, and part of me can not blame her. The other part wishes she could just lay off when I tell her I don't want to talk about it. It adds fuel to the fire, but I guess she's just as stubborn as I am. Even so, she's got four kids to worry about, and I really don't need to add to her burden because I know we'll only drift further apart than we already have. Wait, that's happening anyway. It's just that all this shit is eating me up inside, and I don't have the ability to be a good father or a good husband anymore.

Cragen demanded that I talk to Huang, and I did but I never really opened up to him. I hate shrinks, and it doesn't matter that Huang is more of a friend than a therapist. When I'm speaking to him, he's just another doctor and there's no way in hell I'm going to sit back and let him pick my brain apart. I put on a pretty good act though, because he told the boss that I was as good as could be expected and that I was on my way to a full recovery. Ha, yeah right. My full recovery has me sleeping once again at the precinct, staring at the ceiling in the dark… thinking.

Cap let me know last week that he'd found me another replacement. Something new to think about. The fifth to be exact, and I can't say that I'm exactly thrilled. My first partner and I were pretty close. I'm his son's godfather, his wife Allyson is Lizzie's godmother, and Detective Ryan Wilkes is Dickie's godfather. Well they _were _the children's godparents. A year ago they decided to drive to Connecticut to visit Allyson's parents for Thanksgiving.

They never made it out of New York.

A truck driver swerved across the BQE freeway divider and smashed into the family head on at 80mph. Ally and Ryan died on impact, but little RJ survived until they reached the hospital where he died on the operating table.

What eats at me is how unnecessary it was for him to die, even though it sounds a bit selfish. He was a fucking police officer! A detective that, if he died before his time, should have died a hero's death. Instead his life was cut short on one of those rare occasions that he decided to take a break from work and spend some quality time with his family. By a fucking moron who didn't have sense enough to just pull over and rest instead of jumping behind the wheel with 72 hours of sleep deprivation. Sure, the acting prosecutor wasn't lenient on the bastard, but the judge only sentenced him to 10 years with the option of parole after two. Personally I wanted the asshole to eat my gun. Two years in prison means shit when you've taken three lives being reckless.

Damn, my cell phone alarm is going off, so I guess I'd better head downstairs. I'll save the rest of my thinking for tonight, after I call Kathy to let her know our non-existent case hasn't wrapped up, and I'll have to stay in Manhattan once again. I'm sure she never buys it, but since she knows I'd never cheat on her, she usually accepts my lame excuses. I love her for that. I hate her for it. See how fucked up I am?

***

I just came back from lunch, and Munch has just informed me that my new partner arrived while I was out and he's talking to Cragen right now in his office. Why the hell is John looking at me like the cat that ate the canary? I've got a feeling I'm not going to like this new guy either. Great. I hope he can hear my irritated sigh from beyond that door. Then perhaps it won't take as long for the fucker to ask for a transfer. Shit, I don't take Cragen's threats seriously when he tells me that the next time I run a partner off it will be _me_ he's transferring. And there he goes, he's calling my name. Let me get this over with.

Yeah, I'm stalling and taking my time to walk into the Captains office. Time to meet my new-. Wait, this is my new partner? A woman? An incredibly gorgeous woman? An incredible gorgeous woman with a brilliant smile? Oh shit wait what? Cragen just said something to me and… she's holding out her hand. Damn it, shake it you idiot!

Her hand is soft and as warm as her smile. Her eyes. I don't think I have ever seen that shade of brown before. At one angle they're chocolate. At another they are the color of a dark red wine. Damn it, I'm drifting again, what's going on? Okay, she's talking, Cragen's talking, and I'm talking but I don't know balls about the conversation I'm having and they don't seem to notice. All I know is that my heart is pounding so hard in my chest that I feel like I could pass out at any moment. Still, Cragen has no clue, but… can she tell? She's looking at me strange, and I've got a feeling that the emotion swirling in her eyes is mirroring my own but I can't be sure.

Olivia Benson. I'm sure she told me her name 10 minutes ago, but it's only right now that my brain is picking up on it. Olivia. Yeah, she looks like an Olivia. Wonder if she'll let me get away with calling her Liv. For some reason I know that she'll let me, but if anyone else tried it, they'd get told off. Shit! Why in the hell does my mind keep going on vacation. Cragen just asked me to do something… Show her the upstairs and her locker? No problem Cap, I'm on it.

She's babbling like she's nervous and it's adorable because for some reason I can tell she's not the babbling type. Is she nervous about the new job? Am I making her nervous? I won't dwell on it right now, at the risk of her sending me a 'What the hell is wrong wit you?!' look. Your locker is _right _here. Yep, right next to mine Benson. _And_ she's talking to me again. Asking me questions about my life that all of my other failed partners have asked, but unlike with them, I answer her willingly, but I don't ask her anything. I know it's her nervousness that's making her ask, but I know she'll tell me everything about her when she's good and ready. No problem, I can wait until I've gained her trust. There's just something about her that feels like… home. I've never felt it with Kathy. Ever. Not even when we were first married, and I know that she'll be around for a while.

So tonight when I spend my last night in the cribs once again I'll spend it thinking. I'll think about _her_, and how only the sight of her makes me want to be a better man. Makes me want to live, and take care of my family, and realize that my lie is meaningful. I'll think about how at a glance, she restored my faith. How I firmly believe that God answered my prayers and sent me an angel.

I'll think about how I know that one day down the line, maybe in five years, maybe in ten years, she'll ask me about the moment I fell in love with her, and I know exactly how I'll answer her.

__

'When I saw you.'

**_Soft heavenly eyes gazed into me  
Transcending space and time  
And I was rendered still  
There were no words for me to find at all  
As I stood there beside myself  
I could see you and no-one else_**

When I saw you  
When I saw you  
I could not breathe  
I fell so deep  
Oh  
When I saw you  
When I saw you  
I'd never be  
I'd never be the same

Only once in a lifetime love rushes in  
Changing you with the tide  
And dawn's ribbon of light  
Bursts through the dark  
Wakening you inside  
And I thought it was all untrue  
Until there, all at once, I knew

When I saw you  
When I saw you  
I could not breathe  
I fell so deep  
Oh  
When I saw you  
When I saw you  
I'd never be  
I'd never be the same

With no beginning  
And without an end  
You are the one for me  
And it's evident  
And your eyes told me so yeah  
Your eyes let me know

When I saw you  
When I saw you  
I could not breathe  
I fell so deep  
Oh  
When I saw you  
When I saw you  
I'd never be  
I'd never be the same


	2. One Sweet Day

***Okay, here's what the deal is. I'm a HUGE Mariah Carey-Cannon fan (yes, I call her MCC, got a problem with that?!), so I thought I'd have some fun and write a series of one-shots based on her lyrics/song titles. The title of this story is based on the title of her song on the E=MC2 album, (OOC, Out Of Control) simply because these will probably go all over the place. Canon (Uh-huh-huh… I said Canon *said like Butthead*), AU, sad, funny, strange… just trust me and expect the unexpected. They're all E/O, or have undertones of E/O but may just deal with one or the other. **

****Disclaimer - Dick Wolf, NBC, and whoever own SVU, Mrs. Cannon owns the lyrics. Bastards.**

****A/N - One Sweet Day from M's Album 'Daydream'**

**Italics are flashbacks, in case you were wondering.  
**

I'm not really sure if I like how this turned out, but whatever. Here it is! R&R pwease!

The sky was grey and overcast. Olivia Benson could smell the rain coming, and it reminded her of something Elliot said randomly a while ago. Or maybe it was only last week? Yesterday? She couldn't really keep their moments straight anymore.

_They were on a stakeout as the day was winding down. The sky was cloudless and several different hues of pink and orange. It had a been a beautiful sunny day. Suddenly out of the blue, Elliot spoke. _

"_You know I love rainy days more than sunny days??" _

_Detective Benson looked at her partner of the past eight years with a slight smile._

"_El?" He looked at her, his smile matching her own._

"_Yeah?"_

"_That was extremely random." Elliot chuckled and put the binoculars back to his eyes._

It seemed so insignificantly arbitrary that she'd forgotten he'd even said it by the time they collared the perpetrator they'd been watching for. Until at this very moment. Sitting alone in the cemetery staring down at the grave of her partner. Her best friend. Her soul mate. In the rain that he loved so much.

_**Sorry I never told you**_

_**All I wanted to say**_

_**And now it's too late to hold you**_

_**'Cause you've flown away, so far away**_

She wonders if it would have made a difference. If things would have turned out differently if she'd told him how she really felt, instead of pussyfooting around the subject, or making excuses as to why she couldn't tell him. Tell him the truth. That she loved him. As a friend. As a partner. As a soul mate.

Would he have been more careful? Would he have done everything in his power to make sure she'd never end up alone. She'd never have to go on without her?

She didn't cry. They'd promised each other on one of those nights. The ones where he couldn't, or wouldn't go home. When she was feeling particularly lonely. They'd promised that they wouldn't cry at each other's funerals. They wouldn't more their deaths, but celebrate their lives.

It was hard, but in the days following his departure, she'd kept the tears at bay, instead comforting his ex-wife. Comforting his children. Comforting their mutual friends. She'd managed all this, the funeral, the epitaph, everything. She'd even managed a smile, though she hid it from the other attendee's. It was another 'moment' of theirs, after watching 'Zoolander'. They were both wasted, when Elliot told her she had to be the eugoogalizer at his funeral. It was funny then to joke about their deaths, because they both assumed that it would be a long time coming.

_**Never had I imagined**_

_**living without your smile**_

_**Feeling and knowing you hear me**_

_**It keeps me alive, alive**_

At the first raindrop, she broke one promise to Elliot Stabler. She began to cry, although she justified in her mind that if there was some place in the afterlife where he could look in on her, he'd probably assume that those fat drops falling from her cheeks were actually raindrops.

Ha, right. Elliot could smell her tears through acid and Anosmia. And hell, that was when he was still actually existing on this plane. It was just more comforting for Olivia to believe the latter.

_**And I know you're shining down on me from heaven**_

_**Like so many friends we've lost along the way**_

_**And I know eventually we'll be together (Together)**_

_**One sweet day **_

_**(And all that I know is I'll wait patiently to see you in Heaven)**_

It was cruel, the moment and the way he'd been taken from her. If Olivia Benson ever believed in God before, she certainly was more skeptical of Him now more than ever.

It had been six months. Six months since Elliot came to her house. Six months since Elliot rang her buzzer at 2am telling her to let him in. Informing her that his divorce was final. Six months that she sat on edge, arguing with herself over whether or not she should tell him how she really felt about him.

Their relationship was definitely better than it was before she went to Oregon. They talked like they used to. They joked around like they used to. Sure they still butted heads, and got into heated arguments, and were threatened by Cragen that they'd be separated. Those smiled that they had only for each other returned and things were good. Except for the fact that they were both still holding back.

Elliot held back because he didn't want to push her. Olivia held back because she was scared. Scared of them ending up like he and Kathy. Not letting him know the truth right away was her biggest regret.

_**Darlin', I never showed you**_

_**Assumed you'd always be there **_

_**And I took your presence for granted**_

_**But I always cared and I miss the love we shared**_

_Friday, October 17th__, 2008_

_Detectives Benson and Stabler enjoyed a pretty easy day at the 16__th__ precinct. They'd wrapped up their latest case the night before, and the calls during the day were pretty minor. At nearly 7pm Captain Cragen stepped into the squad room._

"_Alright, everybody, get the hell outta here! Benson, Stabler? You two are catching."_

"_Hallelujah!" Detective Tutuola exclaimed as he stood from his chair stretching._

"_Who's up for drinks and dinner?" Detective Munch followed suit._

"_Me!" Olivia and Elliot answered simultaneously. As usual on their way out, Elliot helped his partner her jacket, fingers brushing parts of her body unnecessarily, causing her to get goose bumps. As usual. _

"_Wait", Elliot stopped and fixed Munch with a look. "You're cut off after four beers John."_

"_What?!" he cried, indignantly, while Fin and Olivia snickered. "Why am I cut off after three drinks."_

"_John, last time we went out for drinks, you had eight beers and four Brandy's." Olivia supplied._

"_So?" John shrugged his shoulders._

"_So, you spent half an hour trying to convince your coaster that the Philadelphia Project actually existed, and that Jesus was an E.T. who funded the project." Olivia fixed him with a look._

"_Yeah, well… did you ever stop to think that I was chatting with the coaster because it was bugged?" Olivia rolled her eyes, Elliot pretended he wasn't hearing the conversation, and Fin just shook his head at the man praying that his partner wasn't serious._

_EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO_

_The dive they frequented was packed, but they managed to snag seats at the bar. After six or seven rounds they decided to call it a night when Munch swore on his life that he'd seen Tupac pass by the bar on the street._

_Putting his money on the counter, Elliot held up his hand as Olivia began searching her purse for her wallet. _

"_You get the tab next time Benson." Olivia smiled, zipping her purse closed._

"_Wanna share a taxi?"_

"_Yeah, why not?" Elliot's apartment was only two blocks from her own, and he often escorted her home, before walking to his place. But tonight was a little different. Feeling the confidence that was more than likely supplied by the alcohol she consumed, she turned to Elliot as they reached the door to her apartment building._

"_You wanna come up?" He hesitated, looking at her face as if he were searching for something, before the infamous Stabler grin appeared._

"_Yeah." God, she loved him for that. No suggested innuendo. He wasn't assuming he was coming up to get in her pants, and he didn't make her ask twice. It was perfectly innocent in the first half hour. They talked about his kids. They talked about work. They talked about all the things they usually talked about. Then during a moment of silence, while Olivia's attention was drawn to the TV by something Chelsea Handler was saying. _

_He loved watching her laugh. Seeing her smile. Elliot made a decision in that moment. He was going to do something about it._

"_Liv?" She turned to find Elliot watching her._

"_El?" so mocked him, but he didn't answer with any words. Pulling her closer, he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. _

_For a moment her eyes widened in disbelief, but when he ran his tongue across her lower lip, begging for entrance, she returned the kiss with enthusiasm._

_**EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO**_

The night was a huge blur. One that she refused to relive fully because of the circumstances, but bits and pieced clawed their way to the surface of reality now and again.

The feel of his hands roaming her body. They careless and almost animalistic way he shed her of her clothing. His mouth upon her breasts. They feeling of his fingers pushing inside her. The initial feeling when he thrust into her the first time.

But there was one thing she remembered that she couldn't forget no matter how she tried. The moment that she'd regret until her dying day because in a split second decision, she could have changed the course of things. Elliot might still be there.

_They lay together in bed, perfectly sated, both silent and lost in their inner musings. Olivia couldn't believe she was exactly where she wanted to be for years. Warm and safe in Elliot's arms and content until she was startled as he began to speak._

"_Liv?"_

"_Hmm?"_

"_Can I tell you something? Or ask you something? Or something?" She giggled lifting her head from his chest as to see his face. Yes Olivia Benson actually giggled._

"_Ye-e-e-e-s?"_

"_I love you." _

_Okay that's not exactly what she was expecting, and she was stunned to silence._

"_Olivia, I've loved you for God knows how long, and… I want to be with you." He held his breath waiting for his reaction, and for once he could not read Olivia's face._

_As for her, the shock at his words turned to panic. God she lived Elliot, more than anything but… she was scared. She wondered to herself if he'd said something like that to Kathy. Kathy whom he'd been married to for twenty years and had given him 4 beautiful children._

_She couldn't end up that way. She couldn't risk the chance of having Elliot only to lose not only his love but his friendship. She had no doubt that if Elliot and Kathy had no children, they would have terminated all contact with each other after the divorce._

"_El. I can't-" she stopped, taking a deep breath before continuing. "El, I love you. You are my best friend, and I don't know what I would do without you, but…"_

_His eyes clouded over at the word but._

"_This? Whatever this is? It's not a relationship. It can't be a relationship. It's too complicated with work, and we're always fighting and… I just…" she couldn't finish because her excuse was lame, even to her own ears, and she didn't know what else to say._

_He lay there for a beat before he spoke. "I should go."_

_**And I know you're shining down on me from heaven**_

_**Like so many friends we've lost along the way**_

_**(Lost along the way)**_

_**And I know eventually we'll be together**_

_**One sweet day **_

_**(And all that I know is I'll wait patiently to see you in Heaven)**_

She watched as he dressed willing herself not to cry. Not to cry out that she was scared, and confused and probably wrong. He left in such a hurry that he'd forgotten his badge and gun on her nightstand. She didn't trust her voice not to betray her emotions so she never said goodbye. Never returned his 'I love you.'

He made it a block before a fourteen year old boy approached him on the street. He was being initiated into a gang, and his task was to approach a complete stranger and shoot him in the head. Elliot never even say it coming.__

_**Although the sun will never shine the same**_

_**I'll always look to a brighter day**_

_**Yeah, yeah**_

_**Lord, I know when I lay me down to sleep**_

_**You will always listen as I pray**_

So here she was, not even a week after she made love to the man that owned her heart for eight years letting her tears mix with the rain. They'd all offered to take her home. They'd all offered to stay with her, and she refused. She wanted to be there alone. She needed to be there alone, so that she could tell him. The truth.

Right there kneeling in the went grass next to where his coffin lay in the damp earth, the tears turned into sobs.

"Oh, God, Elliot I'm so sorry! I don't…. I lied. I was just so scared. You are my life, my world, my everything. I thought… I couldn't live with myself if I did something to push you away. To lose you forever."

"I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before, and I know it's too late, but you have to know. You _have_ to know!"

The sky was gray, The rain was falling. Olivia was broken and alone, once again.

_**And I know you're shining down on me from heaven**_

_**Like so many friends we've lost along the way (Like so many)**_

_**And I know eventually we'll be together **_

_**One sweet day**_

_**And I know you're shining down on me from heaven **_

_**(I'll see you eventually)**_

_**Like so many friends we've lost along the way**_

_**And I know eventually we'll be together**_

_**One sweet day**_

_**Sorry I never told you**_

_**All I wanted to say**_


	3. After Tonight

Disclaimer - Dick Wolf, NBC, and whoever own SVU, Mrs. Cannon owns the lyrics. Bastards.

*A/N - This fic is based on the song After Tonight and I believe it's on M's album 'Charmbracelet' though I'm too lazy to look it up. Check the lyrics if you'd like, because... I don't wanna.

Elliot Stabler was a Catholic man. A very married Catholic man. A very married Catholic man that at that very moment had his cock buried to the hilt inside his partner of the past ten years. It was the middle of the afternoon in July in New York City, and stifling hot. Since the precincts air conditioner had gone out, and there were no active cases, Captain Don Cragen sent his detectives him, instructing them to leave their phones on.

It was Olivia's suggestion that they get ice cream and spend the day inside under her air conditioning watching movies, since Kathy had taken the kids to visit with her parents for the week. The only problem was when they arrived at her apartment the electricity all over the city was knocked out due to a power surge.

"_Start the movie. I need to change into something breathable," Olivia stated walking towards her bedroom just as the light she'd left on in her bathroom went out._

"_What the-" she flipped the switch two or three times before deciding that the bulb went out, but before she could get to the closet El called out._

"_Hey Liv?! I think the powers out!"_

"_Oh you've got to be shitting me!" she cried, making her way back to the living room, flipping lights as she went. "It's too hot for this bullshit!" she whined._

_They'd ended up going out to the park with a couple of those little battery powered fans that sprayed water. The ones you could purchase at Disney World for the stupidly insane price of ten dollars, trying to stay cool. Her apartment was just too stuffy, but as the sun began to set they decided to head back to her place, stopping at a grocery store on the way to get a bag of ice and more ice cream that Olivia prayed wouldn't melt before they got home. That damn ice cream must have been stocked by Satan himself because it was the root of all the hell they were going to get during the aftermath of their tryst. _

_It wasn't planned. Hell it wasn't even thought of as they entered the apartment. _

"_El, dish out the ice cream, while I go and find some candles," she instructed, noticing how dark her apartment was already. She found the candles and lit them, but in the end they decided that they'd eat their ice cream out on the fire escape, her apartment was still too stuffy. They were eating and talking about everything and nothing when Satan's ice cream decided to make it's move. _

"_Liv, there something-" Elliot began around a mouth full of the cool creamy concoction when Olivia totally misunderstood what he was about to say, and dropped her bowl of ice cream, spoon and all and began swatting at herself and shrieking._

"_Get it off! Elliot get it off!" But her partner sat stunned and wide eyed for a moment before her burst into laughter, nearly dropping his own bowl._

"_El it's not funny!" she was still swatting, but her shrieks had turn into whimpers and Elliot looked to see there were tears forming in her eyes. It sobered him instantly._

"_Olivia! Hold still, let me-"_

"_Hold still my ass!" she cried tearfully, "There's a bug on me!"_

"_Liv, there's no bug." Elliot informed her calmly, nearly laughing again as she stopped mid-swat. In fact if he wasn't sure she'd kick his ass and throw him off the fire escape, he'd be cracking up._

"_Wha-?"_

"_You spilled ice cream…" There was a moment of silence as it dawned on Olivia what he'd said, and he couldn't hold his laughter anymore._

"_You-you-" she spluttered at Elliot who was laughing so hard there were tears rolling down his face. Letting out a frustrated cry, she turned and climbed back through the window to her apartment, with half a mind to lock him out on the fire escape, but he was right behind her._

"_Bad ass Benson my ass!" he shouted between breaths as he followed her inside before she lunged at him, but he was ready for her. Grabbing her wrist in mid-swing, he grabbed her other arm and spun her so she was pinned against the wall._

"_Now, now Olivia. None of that." he was grinning at her and she just wanted to smack it off his face, and she would have but suddenly she noticed how the candlelight flickered across his features as his grin turned into a sexy smirk._

"_Get it off." Her voice was lower than she'd intended, sounding incredibly sexy. Elliot gave her a confused look before she spoke again._

"_The ice cream. Get it off." He'd almost forgotten what the hell she was talking about, but at her words his eyes instantly darted down to her breast where her ice cream had dripped only minutes earlier. The low cut tank she was wearing didn't leave much to the imagination, and all thoughts flew out the window when he noticed their proximity, and the desire that was rolling off her in waves. Without warning he removed one of his hands, instead using one hand to hold both wrists. The other he used to pull down her tank before lowering his head tonguing the ice cream, before slipping his tongue lower over her nipple._

And that it how it began. Now, here they were in Olivia's sweltering apartment, fucking like there was no tomorrow oblivious to the sweat that was pouring from them, making her even more slick as Elliot pounded into her. The only sounds were their moans and cries, and the sound as Olivia screamed her climax.

"Shit!" Elliot cried as her inner walls fluttered around him. "Liv! I'm gonna... where?!" And Olivia said the dumbest thing she could have ever said to her partner. Her very married partner that she shouldn't be fucking in the first place. She wasn't on birth control. He wasn't wearing a condom, and the fact that he had 4 kids proved that all his little swimmers didn't need floaties.

"In me El."

It was three hours and four rounds, or four hours and three rounds later when they ended up in her bedroom after sharing a cool shower. They were silent, contemplative when Elliot spoke, thinking that Olivia's even breathing was a sign that she was asleep.

"God forgive me, I love this woman so much." Olivia was glad that she'd opted to lay cradled in his arms, her back against his chest. Otherwise he'd more than likely feel the the tear that rolled down her cheek and onto the pillow case as she thought, _'What happens after tonight?'_


	4. Against All Odds

Don't own SVU, Mariah, or Phil Collins. Deal with it. I have….

Olivia:

I'm broken. I don't know what to do with myself because… he's gone. He said we couldn't work together, and… so… I left. I thought it… I thought it was what he wanted. What he needed. I went to Oregon. Washington? Texas? Timbuk-fucking-tu? I don't know where the hell I was, but I left. God, I love him so much, that I fucking left him to fix his fucked up marriage that's never going to last. I… what was I thinking?

Elliot:

What was I thinking? She's the only woman in this world that has ever meant anything to me. And I just… I let her leave. I acted surprised when I found out she was gone, but I knew. Olivia… she's the only one… who's ever known me at all. Every breath I ever took, I took with that woman. The rest of the time, I was suffocating. And that is sad to say, but I was. Liv was my life, and I took that for granted. I will never regret anything more.

She walked away, and all I could do was watch her leave. From a distance of course. From afar like a coward, but it's all I could do. We shared every laugh. We shared every trauma, all the pain, all the tears. Yes, my Liv was the only one who could read me. See me inside and out, and appreciated it. Too much. Kathy saw it. My kids saw it. The entire SVU tight knit clique saw it. I pretended not to notice as did she, but… it was there.

I wish she could see me now though. I divorced Kathy two years ago. My kids see me deteriorating. The squad doesn't know how to deal with me, and I believe the only reason Cragen keeps me on is out of sympathy. Without her, there is just nothing. An empty space that I can't fill no matter how I try. All I have is the memory of her beautiful face. And the thought of her coming back to me… even after all this time seems impossible. I did nothing, proved nothing to her. To show her that I loved her, and that I remotely deserved her in any way.

Olivia:

I wish he could have known how much it hurt for me to up and leave him. I wish he could have seen the tears that I shed for him. I wrote in letters all of the things I wanted to say to him. So many fucking letters. And thoughts. I wish I could list to him the reason's why I had to go. How much seeing him with Kathy hurt me. How I could only look at his children and see that they were meant to be mine. I was meant to be their mother. God, but how couldn't he have known? He's the only one who's ever really known me at all.

Elliot:

She's back in New York and I'm outside her door. My hand is paused above the door. I can't decide whether I should knock or not. Part of me wants to. Part of me wants to run. Part of me wants to break down all together and just say fuck it all to hell. I need to see her. To breathe in her scent, make sure she's real and tell her all I've longed to say. Since the day I met her.

Olivia:

I could feel him before he knocked. I don't know if someone told him I was back, or if he just used his senses to detect me. But it doesn't matter, because he knows that I'm here, and he's outside. I thought for sure he hated me. Him caring at all seemed against all odds, and it's a chance I was willing to face. But he's outside, and… what do I do? I can't leave him out there. I'll open the door. Let him yell and pick up the pieces of my broken heart once again. It's all I've ever done. It's a chance I've gotta take.

How can I just let you walk away,  
just let you leave without a trace  
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh  
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,  
when all I can do is watch you leave  
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain,  
and even shared the tears  
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,  
'cos there's just an empty space  
And there's nothing left here to remind me,  
just the memory of your face  
Take a look at me now,  
'cos there's just an empty space  
And you coming back to me  
is against all odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,  
turn around and see me cry  
There's so much I need to say to you,  
so many reasons why  
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now,  
'cos there's just an empty space  
And there's nothing left here to remind me,  
just the memory of your face  
Take a look at me now,  
'cos there's just an empty space  
But to wait for you,  
well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face  
Take a good look at me now,  
'cos I'll still be standing here  
And you coming back to me is against all odds  
That's the chance I've got to take, oh, oho

Just take a look at me now


End file.
